I am 39 going on 40 and this scares me a little. I have so many things that I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30 and now I am almost 40 and those things have gone undone. I want to be my own person, to own a house, to travel, to find love, to find inner peace, to be debt free, to live in a large city, the list could go on but these are the majors. I am still single and yet to ever have been on a date. I find this odd but given how I grew up maybe not all that strange.
I have worked at the same place for 5 years. I now have a career path. I have recently been promoted to a learning specialist (i.e. trainer). I went for the coaches interview and went through training to be a coach but then went the trainer route. It's weird how I ended up at the current position I am in but I do enjoy it. I am truly happy with what I do. It's a lot of work since I am the newbie so to say.
There are a lot of things in my life that I would love to improve or change. I would like to be a better friend to all my friends. I would like to be self-sufficient. I would like to live a healthier life and lose some weight. I would like to be a better listener and a better conversationalist. I would like to just tell someone this is what I think and not worry that they are going to be upset at my opinion. I worry about this a lot. From tonights conversation with a close friend I think I self-edit myself to say the things I think the other person would like to here to make them like me better.
I have a problem with being angry on the inside or passive aggressive you might say. I am not aware of it a lot of times but when pointed out I can see that it happens more than I would like to admit. I think I know where some of the hidden anger comes from but I am not really sure that's where all of it comes from. I hope to find this out as I journal more and more. Again I am searching for that inner peace and maybe this goal I can achieve.
I have more to write but I am tired and it is late.
Sitting in my room beginning a journey that I hope will make me a better person. My room is somewhat is a disarray. Usually have an excuse to why this is but maybe it really is that chaos gives me comfort sometimes. My room is something that enjoy more now that it is painted a fresh green color; "riverbank" I do believe was the name. Little accessories of mine that make me feel like this is truly a home and not just some rental that I will have to leave soon.