Went into work and felt as if I would fall apart. My limbs felt like jello and my heart was broken. I am doing t-mobile training and did not feel very much like participating in the team spirit of it all. The coach in the class told me just because I didn't feel like it doesn't mean that I should let the class down. So I started in with the shout out's and honestly by the end of the day today I feel better.
Things in my life are not going the way I want them too. My friendship with my best friend has fallen apart. We have grown apart from each other and can't seem to talk without someone's feelings being hurt and a fight ensuing. I don't feel like fighting anymore.
I need to start doing things that are going to make me feel better and I need to build up myself esteem. I was at an all time low this morning when I went to bed at 5 a.m. and when I awoke it was not much better. Honestly if I was not such a chicken when it came to pain I think that the razor blade would have went in a little deeper last night. But I can't do that to my friends and family who do honestly love me. I must remember that I cannot put my faith and trust in a person that tears me down constantly. I need to talk to and socialize with people that will build me up. And I need to realize that maybe in the end I am the only person who can build myself up.
Today I feel small and weak. I want to disappear from everything. I wish things were different. Hope seems to fade from me and it's the one thing I used to believe in.
I feel like nothing is ever going to be right and nothing matters. I want to sleep all the time for when I am asleep nothing is all there is. Sometimes I am disappointed that I wake up at all.
Went to bed really late last night. Woke up to go to work but I also had to pay the bills since it is payday Friday and honestly I did not feel all that great today. Called into work, paid the bills, and then had chinese for lunch with a great friend. So bills are paid, food and cigarettes bought. All the necessities taken care of. To me this is the most important thing.
Felt bad for calling in but I will try to make this day up next week. I know I don't have to since I am salary but it seems only right since I have missed the past two days this month. I haven't had a training class for the past two weeks so I know I need to work on how to make the training classes better. Also I need to spend some time on the the training book that I a should be working through.
Took a nap for a few hours and decided that I need to start working more on my journal today.
Things I want to accomplish today:
Work on Journaling
Clean and organize my room
Prepare for work tomorrow
Spend some time on my training book
Sitting in my room beginning a journey that I hope will make me a better person. My room is somewhat is a disarray. Usually have an excuse to why this is but maybe it really is that chaos gives me comfort sometimes. My room is something that enjoy more now that it is painted a fresh green color; "riverbank" I do believe was the name. Little accessories of mine that make me feel like this is truly a home and not just some rental that I will have to leave soon.
I am 39 going on 40 and this scares me a little. I have so many things that I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30 and now I am almost 40 and those things have gone undone. I want to be my own person, to own a house, to travel, to find love, to find inner peace, to be debt free, to live in a large city, the list could go on but these are the majors. I am still single and yet to ever have been on a date. I find this odd but given how I grew up maybe not all that strange.
I have worked at the same place for 5 years. I now have a career path. I have recently been promoted to a learning specialist (i.e. trainer). I went for the coaches interview and went through training to be a coach but then went the trainer route. It's weird how I ended up at the current position I am in but I do enjoy it. I am truly happy with what I do. It's a lot of work since I am the newbie so to say.
There are a lot of things in my life that I would love to improve or change. I would like to be a better friend to all my friends. I would like to be self-sufficient. I would like to live a healthier life and lose some weight. I would like to be a better listener and a better conversationalist. I would like to just tell someone this is what I think and not worry that they are going to be upset at my opinion. I worry about this a lot. From tonights conversation with a close friend I think I self-edit myself to say the things I think the other person would like to here to make them like me better.
I have a problem with being angry on the inside or passive aggressive you might say. I am not aware of it a lot of times but when pointed out I can see that it happens more than I would like to admit. I think I know where some of the hidden anger comes from but I am not really sure that's where all of it comes from. I hope to find this out as I journal more and more. Again I am searching for that inner peace and maybe this goal I can achieve.
I have more to write but I am tired and it is late.
So far away even when you are near me. When did we drift away from each other. When did it get so bad that we can't even remember what it was like when we could talk to each other without feeling that one of us would feel hurt in the end. I look at my phone and I want to call you but I know I can't. I've already called and sent text's and it hurts to know that even if you return my calls that a real conversation is almost an improbability. I think about you every day. I want you to feel safe to feel that I will always be honest with you. But for that to happen it would take time and a small miracle. But is time on our side when every day I feel us drifting even further apart. The gap getting wider and wider until it seems to be a vast ravine.
It's been a very long time since I have written anything. So much has changed since then. About three months or so ago I finally moved out of my parents house. I now live in opp which is now only 15 minutes from work instead of the 50 minutes I was driving every day. My best friend from Michigan has moved down here to be with me. I love the fact that someone would travel over 5 states to come to a place such as Alabama to be with a friend.
Well will have to write more since I am back to work now.
People are creatures of habit. You feel comfortable in the day to day never pushing past your boundries. I want change, plan for change, yet change seems to elude me. Keep your head down, live within your limits, don't try for anything new or you will be dissapointed. The past haunts my present ..